Monday, July 28, 2008

Wrong Place, All The Time

This is a problem I've had for a long time. I've noticed it for years, it's something that dawns on me every once in a while and then slips my mind moments later. It's not a problem I can really fix. At least I don't think there's a solution.

Anyway, problem = this: it seems that my moments of highest creative energy, the times when I am most excited and anxious and ready to draw/write/create are always (ALWAYS) at the most inopportune times and places. At work, where there is little opportunity to bust out a pencil and paper and start drawing lest I be caught and admonished for not working... even when there isn't much to do. Or driving, sure I could pull over and get something done but that's usually not an option, especially since I'm usually trying to get somewhere. It's just that this creative mood always hits me when I can't seem to act upon it. I've kind of got it right now.

But y'see by the time I get home, or some other place I can act on said creative impulses... well the feeling has kind of disappated. Like after work... man, I am lazier than usual after work. All I want to do is nothing at all. And then at the end of the night I sit and feel bad about not doing anything. Seriously, what is up with that? How's that fair. My mind is getting all anxious, my stomach is filled with that feeling you get when you're keyed up and eager and excited about something cool (like Christmas morning when you're ten) and I feel like I'm on the edge of a breakthrough and then... poof... it's gone. Right when I can actually use it, it's vanished. Yet another symptom of my disease, my inability to actually use my talent to further my own personal goals.

What the hell man? How can someone recognize a problem, be upset about it and still not be able to fix it? I have the talent, I know that. I'm a good artist, I love creating cool and interesting things, I like that people like my work. So what is this cursed wall that stands between me and actually going after this dream... I mean really going after it?! And how do I break it down?

(This has been a presentation of "Realizing You're Wasting Your Potential And Not Doing Anything About It, You Moron" Chapter 625, by Paul Milligan)

1 comment:

Vinh-Luan Luu said...

Dude, i know exactly how you feel. It sucks; especially working a day job that drains your energy so when you get home, you don't have drive to work. This is doubly so for a job that doesn't give you work to do at work. I find that sitting in a cube all day doing nothing is more draining than working all day.

I've been very diligent at creating a good work environment at home. It's difficult to get started, but once i do, i can get into the zone of it. Sadly, the flip side to this is taking out a bit of the comfort and relaxation of home. I find that designating a specific time frame to work helps.